Marrying a woman for

s e x

 is like buying a tiger for transportation.

A chocolate martini is kind of like a "Hello Kitty" crack pipe. 

My ex-wife 

used to giggle 

during sex.

Didn't matter what she 

was reading....

I used to be

scared

of pretty girls, 

until one confessed,

"Emo, we're just as scared of you!"

My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

I used to have a 

big gay following... 

but I ducked

down an alley

and lost him.

If someone strikes you,

turn the other cheek!

That way,

the

s w e l l i n g 

comes out even.

I had a very

close relationship

with this other kid growing up; 

I was his imaginary friend.

When I was a kid,

my nickname was

Mister Baseball 

(because of the stitches in my face).

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby.

Well, you get nervous...  

waiting for those adoption papers 

to clear....

So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer... 

and my nipple's getting all soggy....

I'm learning to speak Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

  Last summer I was in Provence

shooting a documentary

about a Frenchman with

O C D

who showers up to

once a day....

So I'm in a bar,

trying to

undress this woman

with my eyes...

and I got my lashes

caught in her

zipper....

People come up to me 

and say,

"Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Libertarians believe consenting adults 

have the right to do

whatever they choose

(except band together)

Last year I donated

$ 1 0 , 0 0 0

to deprived

inner-city kids.

Not voluntarily....

I used to pray

every night

for a new bike. 

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. 

So I just stole one,

and asked Him

to forgive me....

I ran into a woman

I dated last year.

I said,

"You gave me a rash."

She said,

"Put something on it."

I said,

"OK... ten bucks says it was you."

My dad always said,

"If someone

hands you a lemon,

make lemonade."

Plus that also works

w o n d e r f u l l y  

as a metaphor.

I was born in Chicago.

When I was 10,

my parents moved to a suburb called 

Downers Grove. 

When I was 12,

I found them.

They call me "Good Time Emo." Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

My mom gave me one of those

cloth calenders

for my kitchen; 

took me

three hours

to sew in a dental appointment....

I hate Indian givers.

No, I take that back....

Every night,

my wife used to give me

a foot massage.

And my face

would smell weird afterwards, 

but....

I ran

three miles today. 

Finally,

I said,

"Lady,

keep your purse."

Once my teacher said,

"Emo, am I stupid, or were your cheating?"

I said,

"Yes and no."

My parents were very protective.

I couldn't even

cross the street

without them

getting all excited...

placing bets...

I'm not a Republican... 

but I am saving up

to be one.

I never cheated on my wife.

I took seriously

those vows of celibacy....

I've learned about women

the hard way

(through books)

I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "How did THIS get into bed with me?"

In California, there's a ten-day waiting period to buy a gun.

Now, how am I supposed to stay mad....

So I'm in a bar

and this very

hefty woman

comes up to me.

She has a tee-shirt that says

GUESS.

I said, 

"Thyroid problem?" 

Santa Fe

is fun to visit,

but property there 

will cost you an arm

 and a dillo.

Once I posed

naked

for a magazine,

but it was

very demeaning... 

and I've never been back to that news stand.

The Scots are the toughest guys in the world;

they have drive-by head-buttings.

(In Glasgow, 

a sweatband is considered

a silencer.)

I was

married

once.

I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;

and she had always wanted to be a citizen....